Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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