The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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