Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
