Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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