I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
