Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
