i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
