tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
