Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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