when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
