just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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