I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Randomize
