I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Come share oat with me in your robe
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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