last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
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