broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
