We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
