I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
