Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
