my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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