My first STD was from a foam party
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
