Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
