What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
