if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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