At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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