the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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