Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
