Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
