She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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