forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
