i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
