...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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