i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
