go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I have already put on my inside pants.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
