Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
My ATM looks so different sober.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
