It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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