Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
