Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
