why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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