just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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