my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he thought i was a dude.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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