She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
