I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
