Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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