So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
