She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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