I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
