Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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