haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
