lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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