you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
