I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
