dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
