like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
